why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
