Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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