I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
