i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
