So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
