why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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