you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Randomize
