is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
