I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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