I haven't been this sober since birth.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
