I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
