i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i would one night stand the shit outta him
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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