I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
