My room smells like vodka and shame
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
