what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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