i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
