Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Randomize
