I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
