I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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