i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
