Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Randomize
