At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
