I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
