Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
