I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
