I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Randomize
