The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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