Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
she peed on how many people?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
