I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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