the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
You pole danced in your parka.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
