i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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