my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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