I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
