My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
