I heard we made out
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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