I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
