I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
