so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
