I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
