I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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