True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
