Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
