we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
