i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
