Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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