mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
We had sex on a dog bed..
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
