Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
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