you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
