2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
They took my balls.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
