be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
