Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Found the puke drawer
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize