Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
