Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
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